HIKE

 Wednesday Sierra had a presentation on Chief Ouray. She was suppose to dress up like him and they did a wax museum of sorts. They had dots on their hands and they had to speak when you pushed their dot. I forgot and didn't go. She was so upset about it. I felt like I failed her. I asked her why she didn't remind me that morning. She said, "because I didn't think you cared." I told her of course I care. She said she was the only person not dressed up like her person. She had borrowed rubber bands from a friend and put her hair in some braids. (Pretty impressive because I didn't know she knew how to braid.) I told her how sorry I was. She asked with hope filled eyes, "Well, will you come to the field trip hike tomorrow?" I didn't know how I could do it, but I was determined not to disappoint her. I said, I would.

I took the boys, my mom and my sister's baby Charlotte. (My sister had a dental appointment and my parents were in town.) I put James and Charlotte in the stroller. I put Ashton in the baby carrier. The whole school was going on the field trip. Madison's bus arrived first at 9:30am and then Sierra's bus was to arrive at 10:45. I saw Madison and we walked a short way with her. Then the path narrowed and the stroller wouldn't fit, so I waited for her class to circle back around. I found her and walked with her to the park where they were picnicking. My mom stayed with the little ones in the shade of a tree. It was so hot and the little's weren't happy. I forgot a hat for Ashton. I hadn't remembered water for my girls and the school didn't pack any. Madison refused to eat breakfast that morning. By the time she hit the picnic area she was ash white, I found her lunch with her drink and told her to go sit under the tree and eat and drink. Her teacher came by a short while later. She is a rules lady. She didn't know I stole Madison's lunch and told her to go eat. She was making the Kindergartner's line up and then sit at a picnic table. Madison, and frankly I, was scared. Mrs. Kimble was going to discover my sneakiness and be upset with Madison. I sat there with her to protect her, until all the kindergartner's were sitting. Then I told her to go sit by her friends. I watched her as she walked over to her friends. Her shoulders were slumped and her head was down. (Her teacher is worried because she won't speak up in class and she isn't a risk taker. I was worried for a minute but didn't have time to think about it too long because Sierra's bus had arrived.) I RAN across the park to meet up with Sierra. They were already on the trail. I ran through parents and student's looking for her. I finally caught up with her and walked with her for five minutes until I realized I hadn't nursed Ashton in three hours. I couldn't stay with her but I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and wished I could. She looked at me with those same disappointed eyes that she gave me the day before. I ran back to my mother under the shade tree. As I ran I thought, I have failed. I have ran all day long and I have failed both of them. I have disappointed Sierra for two days and I have let Madison down, because she isn't a risk taker. She isn't yet able to insert herself confidently with a group of peers.

I wrote this a few weeks ago. Yesterday, I was chatting with a friend, who is in the same faze of life as me. I was telling her about my struggles and what an imperfect mother I am.

She said, "I had a friend who was feeling that same way and the Holy Ghost whispered to her, your children progressed all they could with perfect parents, (because we believe before we came to earth we lived with our Heavenly Father and Mother) now they need you." What a beautiful thought. By having imperfect people around us, and yes even parents, we learn forgiveness, compassion, longsuffering, gentleness, patience, and kindness. My children need to learn these lessons more than they need a perfect Mom.  

I love this picture because one of my siblings called while we were hiking. They need her. We all need her.