LOVE of a SISTER

WHITE ONESIE

PURE HAPPINESS

 I love this baby. He has been the sweetest addition to our little family. I have only heard him cry a handful of times when I have been to busy making dinner and he is past feeding time or when one of his brothers or sisters are loving him too much. He is such a peaceful baby. I always tell Sierra, "Love can never divide, it can only multiply." He has multiplied the love in our home several fold. 

 I love watching these boys adventure around the property. I finally am in a place were I can afford to give my kids every opportunity available in this valley. We could be involved in a million activities. I could have the boy's soccer, baseball, swim or karate. I could have the girl's in ballet, gymnastics, piano, voice, or anything else their little hearts want. They don't want to. I sometimes am sad about that but lately it makes me purely happy that my kids have time to explore . I love that my boys have time to walk in their pajamas, bare feet across the property in the middle of the afternoon, looking for a treasure, from a treasure map James drew. 

I love that last night we sat at the kitchen table eating Spaghetti and meatballs together. Listening to Ashton proclaim, "Baghetti and meatballs is my favorite lunch!" The girls got in a long conversation about how much they love their elementary school bus driver. He hasn't been driving the bus for a few days and that has really bothered Madison. She misses him. The substitute has yelled at them and Jack never yells at them. Sierra said, "I know Jack is the best."

I love our little life. It feels like a world of its own and I am so grateful for it. 

 I love that we paid off our first student loan last year. I know it has been almost eight years since Nate graduated and we finally paid off our first student loan. We have paid off three other loans since. We have three more to go. However, this was the first. I get teary when I see this "notice of paid in full" on my computer desk as I remember all those days I thought we would never pay off our loans. We would watch the interest grow and pray the income-based program would somehow work out for us. However, just like I wanted to stay off welfare in dental school, I really wanted to pay off our student loans. I am grateful the Lord has provided away.  

 I love watching these two play so well together lately. They are so cute and will disappear all day making messes and causing mischief. I am often tempted to turn on the television and stop the madness. However, we went through long months of television watching and I am glad they are free. 

 James's desk. He is very particular about his desk. It makes me smile. The leopard print fabric is a ninja band I cut from a piece of fabric. The pink and red paper is a laptop Madison made for him out of paper. The note that says James, is a note I wrote him in church about how much I love him. He doesn't know how to read yet but he cherishes it. His art work is below the laptop. The screws with the plastic circles you can find all over the property and he thinks they are the best treasures. His clock at the back of the desk was given to him by the Trevenan's. He was obsessing over it at their house, so they gave it to him. He randomly sets the alarm at different times and wakes us up at the most ridiculous times of the night, but he loves it. I have hid it from time to time but he always seems to find it again. He is a very organized boy and remembers where everything is and where everything goes.  

 I love that seeing this reminded me that my Sierra is still a little girl. I sometimes expect her to behave like an adult but she still is just a little girl. Despite that she is almost as tall as me, she is still a little girl. She made a bed and tucked Sandy and Uni into it last night. It warmed my mother heart that is in no hurry to watch her grow up. Although she did ask me to curl her hair and she woke up early and did her makeup the other morning. 

I love that these two little boys in this tent are my world right now. You won't find a more creative boy than James. He built a hideaway in his tent and then built a fire on a blanket outside the tent. He used cotton swabs and carrots for the flames and rocks from outside to contain the flame. He is so messy but so imaginative. 

ELEPHANT and DINOSAURS

I have felt so blessed lately. I have been begging for inspiration and guidance from the Holy Ghost to know how to mother Sierra better. The felt impressed in my mind to notice when she smiles. The other day the boys wanted piggy back rides up to bed and I noticed she was smiling. Ashton was on her back and James was on mine and we raced up the stairs to take them to bed. 

When she came home from school on Monday the thought came to me to have a piggy back with her around the garage. She won of course. Then the thought came to challenge her again for a chore. I would take something off her list like scrub the toilet or she could take something off of my list like unload the dishwasher. She agreed. We raced and she won again. I called, double or nothing. She won again. She told me she wanted me to scrub the toilet and clean off the counters and wipe them. Then she went in and peacefully did her chores and even cleaned out all the drawers in the bathroom. Then she participated in family night and held Logan. Then she did her homework. It was such a peaceful day. 

Yesterday, I thought you don't have to make such a big deal out of doing chores every day.  You sometimes take days off too. I told the girls when they got home they didn't have to clean as long as they both helped me in the kitchen after dinner. Sierra agreed and unloaded the dishwasher for me. We have had a very peaceful couple of days. 

Listening to the Spirit is a gift. It hasn't been an easy thing for me to learn but I am learning.  

FEELING BLESSED

I was deleting files off of our computer and came across these journal entries today. 

January 8, 2011

I often wonder what Our Father in Heaven’s plan was when he brought Nate and I together. We couldn’t be more ill fitted for each other and we are both as stubborn as mules and both have a strong sense that we are right and the other person is completely wrong. I can’t help but think there was a plan in place for us and that Our Father in Heaven has and will provide the tools necessary for us to become one. Despite this, I often feel like a blind beggar walking a thorny path. I don’t know which way to turn. Oh, Father hear my prayers, helpest thou my unbelief, strengthen me in the knowledge of the power of covenants kept and show me how to traverse the way. Lead me as a blind beggar toward the known way. Keep me safe. Help the path to leave only the scars that teach. Help me to love when I am not loved. Help me to give when I don’t want to give. Help me to be still when I want to scream. Dear Father, I know I am helpless without you. Please hear my cries. Wipe my tears and lead me safely home and back into your arms. 

December 31, 2012

 Yesterday I was a little worried. Our funds are low again. I haven’t been to the grocery store to really shop in over a month. I am grateful for my little trips to grab oranges and milk but our fridge has been empty much of December. I know this will pass and I am grateful for this journey of starting our own business despite how difficult it has been. I have seen many miracles this month and I don’t want the month to pass and have them not accounted for. I was thinking about things I needed to buy and I felt desperately in need of flour, sugar, honey, eggs and toilet paper. I was thinking how few funds we have right now and was wondering if I could squeeze it out of what few dollars we have in our checking account. The more I thought about the more I realized that I just couldn’t. I told the girls we were going to disassemble the tree. I was tired of the cat attacking it and yelling at Sierra to stop her cat from attacking it. It was looking hammered and ridiculous anyway. We started to take it apart. Sierra found an envelope in the tree. Neatly printed on the front was, Merry Christmas. I opened it up and inside was a hundred dollars. Tears filled my eyes. I don’t know who broke into our house and stuck a hundred dollar in the tree. I will never know my angels name but I know they were acting as the Savior. I had to say a quick prayer of thanks. I feel ridiculous about how much I have been blessed. We truly have had one miracle after another. 

I wept all morning and I was filled with immense joy. I danced with my kids around the kitchen to the oldies and I praised my Heavenly Father! My life has changed so much in the last six to seven years I can't even remember feeling the despair I felt in both these entries.

 The prayer I prayed on a keyboard on January 8th of 2011 has been answered in the most miraculous ways. I have kept only the scars that teach from that time period. I have a huge unshakable testimony of keeping covenants. I have had a greater capacity to love. I hardly yell at all anymore. I am filled with the love of my Savior as I type these words, He hears and answers prayers. I love that I was inspired to write this prayer down.

 The worry I felt about not being able to go to the grocery store and my fridge being empty has not been with me for a very long time. I am ashamed at how much I have forgotten. I pray I never forget and always remember what that felt like. I want to have a deep and abiding empathy and to reach out whenever I can and should. 

Lastly, I have renewed my desire to write in my journal. These feeling were too deep to share here at the time I felt them. They were too sacred and too close to my heart. My blog is very superficial in a lot of ways more history than heart. I need to journal more. 

I love my husband and this beautiful family and life we have created together. I feel so blessed today. 

Nate's been calling him Bob lately. He bobs his head about so much trying to be big. Stay little Mr. Lo.

She made a telephone with wire from her round pen and foam cups. She is still the most creative kid I know.

BAKING COOKIES

 Logan slept for two four hour stretches last night and I woke up feeling amazing.

I decided to pretend I was a hired maid and only do the important thing. I told myself you don't have to pick anything up you just have to vacuum and do the dishes. I just threw all the stuff on the floor on the couches or on the beds and vacuumed everything. It made me feel so good. The boys wanted me to make cookies with them. James was upset because I told Ashton he could help too and I often tell them both that the counter is too small for them both to cook with me. He felt like he was going to be kicked out in exchange for Ashton. I told him I would do my best to make sure they both fit. By the end, they seemed to both be having a good time. They were both covered in chocolate. Notice they are both in their pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon. We are winning some battles and loosing others but I think the important ones we are winning. 

I have felt so blessed this last week. Ashton has become fully potty trained. I felt like that battle was going to last forever. Sierra started doing more self-care this week. She has been doing her hair and make-up and taking showers... what? For a long time those things have not been important to her. I thought that battle was going to last forever too. Logan has started sleeping more, which is huge! I am going to enjoy this moment of reprieve. 

 

39 YEARS OLD

I spent the morning at Bonnie's house. She has such a beautiful family and she does so much good. James loved playing with his cousin Carter. Madison loved playing with her bird and her cat. She must have gotten a little close and played a little too hard because one of them swiped her face and left four scratch marks. I came home and took Sierra out for sushi. We ate way too much sushi. I then made her order me roller blades online. When she hit send I shouted, "Sierra thank you so much I wanted roller blades. You are the best daughter ever." She sunk into her bench and said, "Mom, you are so embarrassing. You ordered them for yourself." James almost started weeping when he realized it was my birthday and he hadn't bought me a present. We were at my mom's work and I told James well I have been wanting a new tortilla press and yogurt maker and he said in desperation, "Well, that will cost like a hundred dollars." He almost started crying again, when I assured him that sons should always spend at least a hundred dollars on their mothers for their birthdays. Then I gave him my debt card and sent him into the store. He came out grinning ear to ear and was exclaiming I got you your tortil..... I cut him off and said, "Shhhh. It's a secret." He grinned from ear to ear and jumped up and down. He was so excited all evening until I blew out my candles and he wanted to open my presents for me. He was so excited. I gave him the biggest hug and thanked him for getting me exactly what I wanted. He was so proud. He gave me the most sincere hug back. Nate sent me the most beautiful flower arrangement. My grandma gave me the most sweet sincere card with twenty dollars and five Happy Birthday balloons. My children were so thrilled. 

Me conducting Happy Birthday!