LAUGH MOMMY!: FEELING BLESSED

I was deleting files off of our computer and came across these journal entries today.

January 8, 2011

I often wonder what Our Father in Heaven’s plan was when he brought Nate and I together. We couldn’t be more ill fitted for each other and we are both as stubborn as mules and both have a strong sense that we are right and the other person is completely wrong. I can’t help but think there was a plan in place for us and that Our Father in Heaven has and will provide the tools necessary for us to become one. Despite this, I often feel like a blind beggar walking a thorny path. I don’t know which way to turn. Oh, Father hear my prayers, helpest thou my unbelief, strengthen me in the knowledge of the power of covenants kept and show me how to traverse the way. Lead me as a blind beggar toward the known way. Keep me safe. Help the path to leave only the scars that teach. Help me to love when I am not loved. Help me to give when I don’t want to give. Help me to be still when I want to scream. Dear Father, I know I am helpless without you. Please hear my cries. Wipe my tears and lead me safely home and back into your arms.

December 31, 2012

Yesterday I was a little worried. Our funds are low again. I haven’t been to the grocery store to really shop in over a month. I am grateful for my little trips to grab oranges and milk but our fridge has been empty much of December. I know this will pass and I am grateful for this journey of starting our own business despite how difficult it has been. I have seen many miracles this month and I don’t want the month to pass and have them not accounted for. I was thinking about things I needed to buy and I felt desperately in need of flour, sugar, honey, eggs and toilet paper. I was thinking how few funds we have right now and was wondering if I could squeeze it out of what few dollars we have in our checking account. The more I thought about the more I realized that I just couldn’t. I told the girls we were going to disassemble the tree. I was tired of the cat attacking it and yelling at Sierra to stop her cat from attacking it. It was looking hammered and ridiculous anyway. We started to take it apart. Sierra found an envelope in the tree. Neatly printed on the front was, Merry Christmas. I opened it up and inside was a hundred dollars. Tears filled my eyes. I don’t know who broke into our house and stuck a hundred dollar in the tree. I will never know my angels name but I know they were acting as the Savior. I had to say a quick prayer of thanks. I feel ridiculous about how much I have been blessed. We truly have had one miracle after another.

I wept all morning and I was filled with immense joy. I danced with my kids around the kitchen to the oldies and I praised my Heavenly Father! My life has changed so much in the last six to seven years I can't even remember feeling the despair I felt in both these entries.

The prayer I prayed on a keyboard on January 8th of 2011 has been answered in the most miraculous ways. I have kept only the scars that teach from that time period. I have a huge unshakable testimony of keeping covenants. I have had a greater capacity to love. I hardly yell at all anymore. I am filled with the love of my Savior as I type these words, He hears and answers prayers. I love that I was inspired to write this prayer down.

The worry I felt about not being able to go to the grocery store and my fridge being empty has not been with me for a very long time. I am ashamed at how much I have forgotten. I pray I never forget and always remember what that felt like. I want to have a deep and abiding empathy and to reach out whenever I can and should.

Lastly, I have renewed my desire to write in my journal. These feeling were too deep to share here at the time I felt them. They were too sacred and too close to my heart. My blog is very superficial in a lot of ways more history than heart. I need to journal more.

I love my husband and this beautiful family and life we have created together. I feel so blessed today.