ASTON MAXWELL KEEPS US IN STITCHES

 My parents came for another dental appointment. They just stayed overnight. We love having them. I was exhausted. I didn't even plan a nice dinner. Mom found something to cook and cleaned the kitchen while I sat on my chair. I apologized profusely. I have had an overwhelming sense of guilt lately. I just can't seem to have the energy to do all that is required of me. I am exhausted beyond reason. It was good to have them come and lift my spirits and laugh with me. 

MATCHING PAJAMAS

I bought the boys matching pajamas. I just thought it was the cutest thing. I love my little boys. 

LOGAN WANTS TO LEARN

 Everytime I have Madison sit down at her desk she finds Logan has climbed up and sat down. Logan and Ashton want to learn more than Madsion and James. I am suprised at how eager my children are to learn and how quickly my home has turned into a house of learning. It just took turning off the television and pulling out books. Who knew it could be that easy.

JAMES'S BIRTHDAY

His dad was in Denver for his birthday and for date night, so I and James went on a date. He asked if we could invite his favorite person along, Lindsay. Then he politely suggested that I could stay home and he and Lindsay could go without me. I politely declined his suggestion. Lindsay was so sweet and bought him a remote control motorcycle. I got him the blue ninja's mech-dragon lego set. Then Nate bought him a remote control helicopter. He was spoiled. He got emotional when he found out Lindsay was going away for college in the fall. He will miss her. We will all miss her. 

MY WORLD

My world!

ASHTON's BIRTHDAY

Ashton was upset when his teacher reminded him he was no longer in nursery. He was inconsolable. She came and got me. I said, "Ashton it is your birthday! You are a big boy now. You get to go to primary." With tear stained eyes he looked at me and queried, "It's my birthday?" I said, "Yes! That is why you go to primary now." He was satisfied and followed his teacher to his class. When he got home he insisted it was his birthday. Nate suggested we just celebrate it. So, we did. I hadn't really gone shopping for his birthday. I had just picked up party favors and a movie but he loved it. 

CHEMISTRY

Colt came over and did Chemistry with Madison one afternoon. They both had a really good time. I heard a lot of laughing. Afterward, Madison said, "Colt was really confident but I don't think he knew what he was doing." She let him take charge anyway. A couple of their experiments went awry but she never took over. Her chemistry kits comes with enough chemical to do each experiment twice. She redid the ones that went awry the next day. They turned out well, she giggled. She loves Colt. We need to invite him back over. He definitely was a lot more fun to do chemistry with than mom. I follow the instructions. He says, "Madison, let's add a little more of this." She giggles. 

Our big purchase for Christmas was a microscope. Madison and her Dad were looking at his blood and identifying the different parts of his blood. He was showing her white blood cells and red blood cells and other cells contained in blood. It was really fascinating. She loves science. 

CHRISTMAS 2018

LITTLE HELPER

Madison was an angel. She helped me make Sunday dinner. Then she helped me clean the kitchen till every dish was washed and put away. I haven't had my kitchen that clean in a while. 

COOKIES

James said as we made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, "I feel Jesus when we cook together Mom."

FIRST SNOW

First Snow of 2018. The kids woke up bright and early and played in the snow. Dad brought out he Cadet and pulled them around the property. They have been happy all day.

PREPARING FOR CHRISTMAS

I had a few more ministering interviews to do. I left the kids home on Sunday to put up the tree. They insisted it was a Sunday activity because Christmas is all about the Savior. I concurred. When I got back two hours later the tree wasn't up and I had pine needles all over the house. The house was a wreck from being gone all weekend and everyone was hungry. I should have listened to the Spirit as He encouraged me to forgo the ministering interviews and spend the evening with my kids putting together the tree.  When I saw the disaster I lost it, I started vacuuming and yelling about how much I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. It is the worst holiday. I hate Christmas decor and buying Christmas presents. My poor babies. I think Madison left in tears. I kept having the words from a favorite church video of my youth go through my head, "Are you giving the least to those who matter most or  are you sharing your best with those who really aren't that close? Well, its time to turn around and find out where your greatest joys are found." I often feel abandoned and overwhelmed in my efforts. I don't know how to suppress my frustration and just love. Certainly, I would have had a better evening if I had of listened to the Spirit.

WARD CHRISTMAS PARTY

Friday we left the kids home with Sheila Honda, one of my young women, and went to the Vernal Temple. Stephanie and Virgil were sealed for eternity Saturday morning. Stephanie joined the church shortly after Leslie. Nate and I were so grateful to be invited. Sadly, I didn't get to go into the temple because I had no one to watch Logan. He is still nursing. I did get to wait in the chapel next door and read the Book of Mormon. 

When we got home we headed over to the church to enjoy the company of our friends and have breakfast for dinner. James and Ashton were sheep and Madison was an angel in the nativity. We finished the evening with Christmas carols. I am so grateful for a ward family that I love.

SUNDAY, HAPPY DAY!

She stayed up till 1:30 in the morning cleaning my house. When I woke up it looked as good as if I had cleaned it. She owns one Sunday dress. I had bought her a dress and shoes for Christmas. I figured she needed them early. I giggle at her cute shoes. TAGS! :) 

It is the only picture I got of them all smiling. Have a beautiful Sunday. We sure have, mostly because we love being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It gives our life meaning and purpose. We are filled with opportunities to serve our fellow man and in turn, serve the Savior. We feel blessed.

FOCUS

She has spent all day gathering her portfolio pieces and uploading them to BYU's website. It could have taken her twenty minutes. She is like a puppy. "Squirrel!" Everything and anything will distract her. It is enough to make a mother crazy! However, she is one of the best girls on the planet. She has volunteered to help people move and she supervised the kid's table at Super Saturday. She loves all the young women. She loves the girls that no one else does. She tends her baby brother constantly. She loves him unconditionally. She changes his diapers. She babysits often. She cleans amazingly well. She has straight A's in BYU's program right now. She actually willingly takes showers now. So, why does she still make me want to pull my hair out?

SIERRA's PASSION

She often knows each one of my buttons to push so I want to explode. I have very little patience with her sometimes. Today she ran away and I let her. We both needed a break from each other. She borrowed the neighbor's horse Clancy and rode him half the day. Mostly, she rode him bareback like this. She said at one point she fell asleep and slept for two hours. I believe her but I could never nap on the back of a horse. My favorite place to nap is in my bed when my house is clean. The best rest comes in a clean house. I guess that is why I am staying up all night cleaning carpets and scrubbing my house. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the funds to purchase a carpet cleaner. It is so nice to have clean carpets. I am also grateful for neighbors and friends that are like angels in my life and allow Sierra to use their horse when she desperately needs some horse therapy. 

LEGOS

He has been up building all Thanksgiving break. He is obsessed with Legos. He disappears all day. He is quiet. He is thinking and building. He wakes up in the morning with a new idea about something he can build. Today, a tree house. Tomorrow, we will see. He comes home from school and runs upstairs and I never hear from him again. I beg him to come down to do his "Mommy School." He gets upset. I tell him if he doesn't focus and give his best work, I will sell his legos. He focuses. He can't imagine a space where he cannot build. I worry he is too obsessed. I tell myself, he will be an engineer like his Uncle Paul or contractor like his Uncle Spencer, to calm my nerves. I don't know what he will be, but I am certain he will build.

I am grateful for the Holy Ghost and his guidance to look on Craigslist for someone selling legos. I found a man with two giant bins for $80.00. When one nice set costs as much, I felt blessed.  I bought them. The boys no longer have to be screen zombies for me to teach Madison or Sierra. My soul is more at peace. I am grateful. Truly an answer to my prayers.

THANKSGIVING

We decided to stay home for Thanksgiving dinner. I was relieved once I finally made the decision. I sometimes make decisions based on not disappointing my extended family instead of doing what is best for my husband, children and I. I was grateful to have the courage to do what was best for myself. Traveling is so hard for Mr. Logan and it took a long time to recover from our last trip. I don't have a week to recover from a trip anymore. Nate was so great. He took on the turkey with all his normal enthusiasm. I made assignments for all the kids. James did the rolls and salad. Ashton did the green bean casserole and helped with the rolls. Sierra did the Jell-o and the sweet potatoes. Madison did the pies and potatoes. I did gravy and stuffing. There may have been a few mess ups but overall I was glad not to have to do it all myself.
I like to think of the things I am especially grateful for this year 2018. I am grateful for Mr. Logan. Especially his huge smile and his sweet hugs. I am grateful I made it through his birth and the last six months. They have been difficult but worth it.
I am grateful for a better relationship with Nate. I feel I come to know him better every year and he constantly amazes me. He is generous and funny. He has helped me laugh through some really difficult days this year. He has been so generous not just monetarily but with his time.
I am grateful I have had an increased capacity to hear the spirit. I have felt guided by the Holy Ghost and I am grateful to have him with me always.
I am grateful I decided to homeschool my kids. I love having them home more. We have had several beautiful learning moments together. It has been stretching for me as a mother. I am learning things I wish I had of known when Sierra was little. I am becoming the mother I want to be. (Although, I am still far from perfect!)
I am grateful for Michael and Chrissy and their courage. I am grateful they have taught and continue to teach me how to do incredibly hard things gracefully and faith-filled.
Lastly, I am grateful my sister Kimberly, and brother-in-law Caleb, decided to create Logan a best friend for life. He will be born today. I can't wait to lay eyes on his sweet face. 

TWO CUTE BOYS

I was having a rough day today. Sierra and I were in a power struggle. I begged her father to help but he honestly doesn't know how. He left to collect the things he needs to smoke the turkey for tomorrow. I cried. I know what I need to do. It is just hard to do. I am weak. I wish I was more capable. I cried. James came in and said, "Mom, what can I do to help?" I said through tears, you could sweep the floor. Honestly, he has never swept the floor before. It was just the only thing I could think of and I didn't want to tell him he couldn't help. He grabbed the broom and Ashton grabbed the dustpan and they swept the floor together. When he thought the task was sufficiently complete he said, "Is there anything else I can do?" I said, "You could push your brother in his swing outside." He pushed Logan until he was almost asleep and I had finished cleaning the kitchen. I saw Heavenly Father's hand in my life through my son. I am so grateful for his kind spirit today. 

HE IS GROWING

He is growing so much. He has been such a blessing in my life. I truly love him. He is my world right now. I watch as other friends have longs since moved past the baby stage. I am grateful I have not. I chose him and am so glad he chose me. I love my caboose. 

MY KINDERGARTENER

Two months into Kindergarten this little boy got a letter home saying that they were switching him to all day Kindergarten and to a different teacher. 

One of the reasons I decided to homeschool was I didn't want my children spending more time at school than with me. I knew I wanted to add James to my list but I didn't know how. I burst into tears. I went out into Nate's dude room and acted like a baby. I wept and told Heavenly Father I couldn't do anymore, I was exhausted. I asked, why? (I have learned so much since then. If I went back into time, I wouldn't ask why but what do you want me to learn?) 

A few months earlier I was listening to NPR and they were talking about the gay initiative. How they were starting in Denver and going into all public schools and teaching children that gender is fluid. They will instruct teachers to refer to children as scholars or learners but never boys and girls. 

I have since been home schooling James for two months. He does go into the school for two hours a day. The first day he burst into tears when I came to pick him up. He didn't want to come home. I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

A few weeks ago I went into his classroom and his teacher said, "Line up scholars." I felt the spirit say to my mind, "This is why?"

I do love James's teacher. I just don't want anyone having a greater influnence over his mind than me. I am his mother. I love him. He is the sweetest boy. 

HAUNTED FOREST

Sierra has been involved with a fundraiser in St George all week for cancer research. My sister Michelle had the event planned before Wyatt's passing. The haunted forest has been running since last week. I haven't heard from Sierra since she left for St. George. She was a creepy jack-n-the-box and jumped out and scared people. I am pretty sure she had the time of her life. 

BATHS

He has been the stinkiest baby. Since the day he was born, he has hated baths. Something changed this last week, he loves them. I have been so happy giving him a bath every night to help him wind down. Madison says it is good to have a baby that smells nice. I agree.

TRUCK'or TREAT

I wanted my little ones to be goldie locks and the three bears for Halloween. I never did get around to making the costumes. I decided that instead of stressing myself out, I was going to just open the bin of dressups and have them choose something. They were all really excited about their costumes. I realized I care more than they do. They had a blast truck-or-treating. It was busier than I have ever seen it. It was wall to wall people. We were patient and the kids had a great time. 

WYATT's FUNERAL

      I snapped these two quick pictures so I would have something to put here. I haven't been a good photographer since I gave birth to Logan. However, no picture could portray the depth of emotion in this room anyway. My Father offered a prayer before the funeral services and there could not have been a dry eye in the room. Michael shared beautiful heartfelt words at the funeral about Wyatt, his life and mission and testified of the Savior. The spirit was so beautiful and full. Chrissy's words were so sweet and inspiring. I can't fathom how she had the strength to stand and testify of the Heavenly Father's hand in her life and how blessed they were through their short journey with Wyatt suffering from cancer and the miracles they saw along the way. I think the whole room was blown away by their faith and love. 

Also, the moment when the grandkids sang Gethsemane and not one of them could help but weep most especially my sweet Sierra who stood behind Grace, so no one would see. Lastly, when Michael stood and held our mother as she gave the closing prayer. She shakes and it had been a long day with a lot of emotion, so she was shaking unusually hard. Michael extending compassion to her at a moment when he needed compassion the most, was exactly what Christ would have done. I wept openly. I could not have been more proud of him and the man he has become. 

We will miss you, sweet Wyatt. Until we meet again.

HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY MADISON

Madison turned 10. We were off to the Mall to get her ear's pierced. We were so happy Kate got to join us. She was so sweet to Madison and was so happy. It was so kind of her to be happy for Madison when we know how much her heart was breaking. 

Madison had her traditional roast and mashed potato dinner. She wanted a chocolate mousse cake. She got a telescope from her father and some watercolors and beads and a shirt from her mother. We got to celebrate with all our McKnight family and cousins, that were available. It was so much fun. It was the first time Aunt Heather and Madison got celebrate their birthdays together. They were born on the same day.

PATIENCE

I spent the weekend with my in-laws. I just needed them. Do you ever feel like you need your parents in some moments and others you need your in-laws? I had that moment. I went to their ward. The lesson in Relief Society was on patience. As women in the room droned on about trying to show patience with their children, I was reflective. I had the pressing thought, what if Chrissy was in this room? What if their is a mother who is in Chrissy's shoes in this room? What wouldn't they give to have one more moment with their baby? Patience wouldn't be a question. How small and dumb I felt talking about how hard it was to have patience. I felt the need to raise my hand. I couldn't not. I explained that no one in the room knew me but my nephew passed away the day before. I said, "I believe the greatest patience we will every know in this life is waiting to see our loved ones again." It was too much emotion. The teacher didn't know what to do with it. She glazed over it and moved on. I felt dumb. I picked up Logan, luckily he had pooped his pants. I had an excuse. I left. 

A strange woman followed me out. I tried to brush her aside by explaining, "I am fine. My baby just has a messy diaper." She insisted on talking to me. She lost a child. She wanted me to know a few things that she felt I needed to convey to Chrissy.

She said, "She can be mad. Heavenly Father dosen't care if she hates Him for a while, He knows what it is like to lose a son! Don't tell her it was God's will, that use to make me so mad! Tell her bodies are mortal."

So Chrissy if you ever read this, know that it is okay to be mad. I wouldn't blame you. I have been mad over far, far, far less. Wyatt's body was mortal. He just died and that suck!

BROKEN HEARTS

Our hearts are all broken. When your hearts are broken and you are a Craven first, you gather together and eat good food. We all came into town to morn the lose of Wyatt, the only perfect Craven to have lived in the last decade. Words aren't enough. You can't conveye the hurt of watching your little brother morn the passing of his baby boy. We were so hope filled for so long that there would be a miracle. Wyatt would be the one we would testify at the pulpit of. Against all odds he would live. He didn't. We testify still, but differently. We testify that because Jesus Christ lived, Wyatt will live again. Because Jesus Christ lived, Michael will be able to raise his boy in the flesh. Because Jesus Christ lived, they can be an eternal family. Michael and Chrissy are sealed together in the House of the Lord and that sealing power is greater than death. We will miss you Wyatt Leroy and your big blue eyes and easy smile.

LOGAN and SIERRA

I think sometimes she holds him more than I do. He sure loves her. She has been so great to take him for a walk after we are done with homeschool, so I can clean up the house and make dinner. I don't know what I would do without her simple act of service every day. 

LOGA-LICIOS

I was called to be the first counselor in the Relief Society Presidency today. Our small ward is very unique and it doesn't have a lot of active members. I am certain that is why Nate is the Elder's Quorum President. I am the first counselor in the Relief Society presidency and Sierra is the Beehive class president. We are busy but we are loved and have felt a great portion of the Lord's spirit accompany us in His work. We feel grateful to be needed. 

BATHTIME

I love these little ones so much. They are my world.

Felt inspired to reach out to Sister Ellingson and send her a copy of this talk by Elder Eyring. I was so inspired by it myself. I wrote her a letter and included a copy. The spirit also bore a powerful witness to myself that in order to nurture my children the way Christ intends me to I must have his power with me, through prayer and scripture study. I am determined to try harder.