A VERY SHORT WALK TURNED INTO A VERY LONG DAY

Well, I was having a beautiful morning and I thought if I took a walk it would make the time pass between the girls leaving for school and my baby napping. We would get outside and breath some fresh air. Ashton cried the first ten minutes of the walk and the last ten minutes he slept. I tried to transition him from the stroller to bed by nursing him, but he would not have it. He screamed and screamed. I don't know why I fight against the machine. It just makes us all miserable. I should have just sat on the floor and played with him and loved him. I just really wanted to have my house clean and I wanted to get my bathroom painted. He wouldn't let me do anything. I tried to get him to nap at noon and at two. He slept for maybe ten minutes. We finally all crashed at 3:30 after the girls got home. I mean we all crashed, Mom, Ashton and James. We woke up at 5:00. We were all happier.

 

No more morning walks. Ever.

 

Poor James really loved the walk though, until some diarrhea hit, but that it a whole other story you don't want to hear.

A LITTLE ADVENTURE

 Sierra came home and asked him if he wanted to go on a little adventure. He was so happy to get out of the house. Mom welcomed the much needed break. Sierra got him a backpack and let him wear her boots and took him to find rocks and a sword. He loved it. They really are two peas in a pod. I always say I had Sierra and James to bring Adventure in my life and Madison and Ashton to bring Peace into my life. I love both but I am sincerely glad when my two adventures go off together and I am left with peace.

CHRISTMAS TREE

The girls put up the Christmas tree last night. I used to take my time and really make it beautiful but James and Ashton just rearrange everything and make it look ridiculous a few hours later, so I will wait till they are grown to put some effort into it. In the mean time I just let Sierra and Madison decorate it together. Usually they are really good about it and have a lot of fun. Last night I was getting the baby boys to bed as they were decorating. I guess Madison wasn't doing it right so Sierra bite her on the hand. Yep, she did. When I kissed it better there was still saliva on it. Sierra had to go to bed and Madison got to decorate amid cries from the upstairs that it was all wrong. Then Madison got to watch a Christmas show and sleep on the couch.

 

My living room is put together and the kids room but the rest of the house is still a moving wreck. We will get there but at least Christmas can commence.

 

Can I tell you how much I love my little house? I can't, not in words.

BLOODY NOSE

My jubilation about the move and my beautiful house was cut short by bloody noses. Since we moved I have been having extremely bad bloody noses. They weren't getting better only worse. I woke up every night with one. Then I started having them through the day. They weren't a typical bloody nose. They wouldn't stop no matter what I did and they ran like a slow running faucet. When I plugged my nose it came out my mouth.

 

I was helping Sierra clean out the chicken coop and came into take a bath afterwards. I never made it to the tub. My nose started gushing. This time I thought I would bleed out before it stopped. I just gushed and gushed. I panicked and had Sierra call someone. She wasn't realizing how important it was for her to call someone. I finally yelled out. "I am going to die if you don't call someone." She finally got ahold of my friend Lilly and our neighbor up the street.

 

 Lilly came and took me to the ER. We tried urgent care but they said they really couldn't do anything. The PA at the ER cauterized both nostrils, it was still bleeding, so they inserted a Rhino Rocket. Yes, it was hilarious and embarrassing and hilarious. I didn't care as long as the bleeding would stop.

 

 I came home and laid down and after cleaning up a bit and getting my babies in bed and my nose started gushing again. I had blood coming out of my nose and my mouth and I was just bawling and bawling. I had done all humanly possible and nothing was helping. Nate called the PA that helped me in the ER, she said to go get Afrin. There was nothing more they could do for me I would have to go see a ENT on Monday. By the time Nate returned with the Afrin, my nose had stop bleeding. It started again in the middle of the night. I cried and yelled for Nate, I couldn't get the Afrin open to save my life. He took twenty minutes looking online before he could open it. It stopped long before that bottle got open. I slept in.

 

When I got up at noon. I broke down and told Nate I just couldn't keep going on like this. He asked me what was causing it. I said, "I think it is the pellet stove." Since it is our only heat source right now he said, "And what should we do about it?" I said, "I need a humidifier." He went to Walmart and bought the mother ship of humidifiers. I have been twenty-four hours bloody nose free. It feels like a miracle.

 

Last night as I was laying in bed I was thinking about all the miracles I have had over this really crazy problem.

 

Lilly was willing to take me to the ER. She helped lighten the mood and we laughed at how ridiculous the whole situation was.

 

Nate pulled into the driveway minutes after Lilly arrived, so I could leave the kids with him.

 

Kay randomly dropped off grape juice while I was at the ER. I had the thought that I really wished I had more grape juice. She couldn't have known I need some.

 

I ran a cheap humidifier in our room and when I woke up the carpet was soaking wet and my phone was in the puddle of water. I plunged it in rice in the middle of night. Around noon I plugged it in and it started right up, I haven't had a single problem with it.

 

I had this conversation in my mind on Sunday. I am really hungry. You really need to eat something. You have lost a lot of blood. I don't know what to eat, nothing sounds good. Make some egg and noodle soup. I did and it was so soul satisfying. I thought as I ate it and it warmed my body and soul that the Holy Ghost is a physician. He guided me.

 

My friend Jenn brought soup for dinner and my friend Nattalie asked if she could bring dinner on Monday night. Those simple acts of kindness lifted my spirit when I was struggling so much.

 

I felt impressed that I needed to open my bedroom windows. It helped stop the bleeding before we realized I needed a humidifier.

 

Nate took over and watched the kids while I rested.

 

Lastly, but most significantly, Madison made me a necklace. I thought it was sweet. I put it on. I wore it all day. Ashton never pulled at my Rhino Rocket, he just played with that colorful necklace with a massive shell. I was so glad not to have to fight him from trying to rip the Rhino Rocket out as he nursed. Such a simple act of kindness and it served a needed purpose, she could never have known. She must be in tune with the gentle whispering of the Spirit.

 

I am grateful for my parents and their prayers and fasting on my behalf yesterday I know these miracles were in large part due to their love.

 

I feel so blessed to have such beautiful people in my life, who are literally ministering angels. I felt surrounded by angels. Although, I am not grateful for the bloody noses I have had. I am grateful for the experiences and blessing surrounding my crazy situation.

MOM'S BED

My boys played on my bed one afternoon. James was excited that we finally got the internet up and working and mom was glad that he got to have a little quiet time. Daniel Tiger really is a blessing. Ashton just giggled and giggled. The light was so beautiful. I had to capture the minute.

BUBBLE BATH

These two love the bathtub. Dad had to have a bathtub with jets. He said if it was the only bathtub it had to be cool. It is. The kids filled it up and played and until bubbles were scaling the walls and mom was done.

FAVORITE SPACE

 My favorite space in the house is my children's bedroom. I love to be up there. It is so cute. It is such a happy place. I am grateful for Tamara and Chase and all they did to make it so beautiful and ready to move in. James and Ashton love to play with their mother on the floor and she is so happy to do it. My sister-in-law gave us this cute fish game and James loves to hook the fish with the fisher price fishing pole. He loves a go fishing! (In his words.)

GRANDMA and GIGGLES

 We were so glad that Grandma and Grandpa Craven and Grandpa McKnight sacrificed so much time to help us over the last few weeks to finish up a few things we needed to get done. Grandma and Grandpa Craven came last Wednesday and stayed a few days. My dad worked miracles getting the all my appliances installed and getting my hot water working. I felt so blessed. The day after they left I just walked around my house weeping and thanking my Father-in-Heaven. It really is the cutest little, crooked house. There is nothing better than having stewardship over something that belongs to you. Laundry, washing dishes, and picking up all felt a bit magical. It felt as though the angels of heaven were rejoicing with me. I have never felt such a beautiful spirit of gratitude.

HOME

We are finally home. Sierra said something that warmed my heart she said, "We were stuck between the Whitehead's house and the Amish Paradise and now we are just home. This is now just our home." What a sweet word and a what a sweet sentiment. They love the fact that the bus picks up right on the corner of our property line. They love riding the bus. I have tried to convince them that they should let me take them but right now the bus is a novelty. Right now that I am trying to get moved in and plan a Christmas party for Nate's work it is nice to have the extra time but I would like to take them, at least in the mornings. I loose another hour with them in the morning when they ride the bus to school. I don't like that.

HOMEWORK with GRANDMA and a GOOF BALL

PUMP CHOCO

He makes a batch of cookies every time grandpa comes into town. You can't make cookies without tasting the batter.

 

 

GOODBYE TAMBAM and CHASE

Well, she got a tooth fixed. She needs more work, yea for me because she is coming back! She helped me clean up my new house and helped me move a lot of heavy things. Chase helped too. We ate amazing breakfast burritos and pizza. We watched movies and played with the babies. We had a great visit. We love these two and appreciate their willingness to come and help. Their support means everything to us.

We are ponderizing in our home. This was our scripture this week.

D&C 78:19 My sister Michelle encouraged me to use it.

And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.

I love it and it has been and answer to my prayers. I have felt so lifted by it. I have had this mounting frustration in my soul over the last several years. I can feel it coming and then I can feel it bursting inside me. I want to snap at everyone in my path. Lately, I hate this frustration I feel. I have fallen on my knees several times and begged my Father-in-Heaven to take it from me. It doesn't matter. I stand up from that prayer feeling just as anxious and snappy five minutes latter. I have tried breathing, but mostly I just breath fire.

GRATITUDE has been the answer.

I didn't realize it was so simple. (But by small and simple things great things are brought to pass.)When I feel these emotions rise. I start listing aloud everything I am grateful for. I am grateful for my boys that they have energy and life. I am grateful for a floor to spill on. I am grateful that I have the money to buy new oil. I am grateful for paper towels to clean up the mess. I am grateful for a washer and dryer to launder the clothes. I am grateful for the energy and the physical ability to clean. The FRUSTRATION MELTS. I tell you it melts. Experiment this week. It is magical, not magical, divine.

If you can't tell Ashton crawled into my pantry; retrieved the oil, unscrewed the lid, and spilt half a gallon onto the floor, and then crawled through it and over to me. I thought I was in a beautiful moment discussing the scriptures with my older children. When I picked him up I was like, "Why are you wet?" He wasn't wet, exactly.



HE LOVED HER

 He loved his brand new sweet cousin Margaret.

He was so sweet to her. (For the most part.)

THURSDAY NIGHT

Tamara and Chase arrived in time for stir-fry and a conversation on Doomsday Prepping. They may have wanted to skip that conversation. Pretty much it was determined that THE END IS NEAR. Beware. Beware. Or something like that.

 

I still have hope, but come what may and love it.

The next morning the two little's fought over our guests especially their new uncle Chase. 



MARGARET

 We got to finally meet Margaret and Sierra was the best cousin ever. She builta fort two days before she came and she played with her. She held and loved Margaret.

 

Charlotte said, "Sierra is sooooooo beautiful!" I think she is inside and out.

 

Jennifer came on Tuesday and left on Thursday.... I think. The days have ran together. I babysat Margaret and Charlotte while Jennifer went to the Dentist on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday we went to McDonald's and the Amish store in between naps and nursing babies. We aren't quite as mobile was we are use to being. We got to watch this little sweet heart again on Thursday and then she had to go home to her daddy.

LIONS

We went to the furniture store on Monday to buy a book shelf for our new home. They gave us a free stuffed animal. Our friends have these same tigers on their overstuffed chair. James saw it and begged the mommy tiger to hold her baby. She wouldn't let him go and it frustrated him. We giggled as he negotiated with the stuffed animals. "Please, I hold your babe." She wouldn't give it up. When I saw the same tiger I knew I had to grab it. James loves his, "Lions." Don't worry I have correct him a hundred times. He keeps saying, "The tiger won't wake up mom, the tiger won't wake up." He thinks they are real.

PHO-BULOUS DAY

 It was a Pho-bulous Day today.

One of my favorite people, Barbara, made me Pho today.

I begged her.

I told her I would buy all the ingredients if she would cook it.

It was amazing!

I had a bowl for breakfast and a bowl for dinner.

I can't tell you how happy it makes me.

 

Barbara and I meet four years ago.

I love her story.

She was born over in Vietnam.

Her mother is Vietnamese.

Her father a American Solider from Texas.

He had red hair.

 

She learned to make Pho from her mother.

It is basically beef over rice noodles with yummy toppings like cilantro, basil, onions!

 

She has also taught me to make egg rolls.

I love learning new thing from amazing women.

I am glad to have her in my life.

FACEBOOK ADDICTION

Confession: I had a major Facebook addiction.

 

I am not sure why I did, but I did. I would scroll through feeds for thirty minutes. Then go clean some dishes and find myself back scrolling through the same feeds again. When I scrolled through the same feeds so many time I wasn't seeing anything new, I would start reading articles shared. I would read an unending list of articles that would start with catchy phrases like, "You'll never believe how this woman utilized her small space."

 

I was a phantom. I don't think anyone knew I was there watching everything. I shut off the chat, so no one could chat with me and no one could see the hours I was spending hanging out there on Facebook. I just watched day in and day out. I would judge people by the comments they would make or the things they would write. I would poke fun at the socially awkward and weird. I would get so frustrated with vilified banter. I know it affected my days. I would find myself snapping at my children, "Can you leave me alone while I finish reading this? Can't you see I am busy? This is my time." My daughter Sierra would make comments like, "Are you on Facebook again?" I was annoyed because I deserved a few minutes to myself. I have virtually given up television because I can't find a decent program to watch and this was my one thing, Facebook, and besides I was sharing goodness at least once a week.

 

I knew it was a problem. I would sit down to read my scriptures on my phone and ten minutes into it I would be scrolling through Facebook. I would get on the computer to find a recipe, figure out how to bind my hexagon quilt, and end up on Facebook. I didn't spend every minute of every day on Facebook but I think total time spent every day on Facebook was at least an hour. I guess to some people that isn't a lot, but an hour every day for five years. I realized that it added up to all the projects I have never finished, all the time I didn't play with my babies on the floor, all the visiting teaching I never have time to do and a lot more. 

 

I think ultimately I couldn't fathom at the end of my life standing before my Heavenly Father and giving an accounting of all the hours I wasted. I didn't want to know how many hours I had spent on Facebook. I know my Heavenly Father knows, but that is number I never want to know.

 

These words from Elder Bednar kept running through my mind.

 

The fear of the Lord is not a reluctant apprehension about coming into His presence to be judged. I do not believe we will be afraid of Him at all. Rather, it is the prospect in His presence of facing things as they really are about ourselves and having “a perfect knowledge” (2 Nephi 9:14; see also Alma 11:43) of all our rationalizations, pretenses, and self-deceptions. Ultimately, we will be left without excuse. 

 

I tried to limit myself to five minutes a day but I couldn't. I thought if I went through the addiction recovery program I would be able to, but I couldn't control it. (Although I think the addiction recovery program is an amazing program and useful for everyone.) I finally realized I had to delete my account. It was really hard to do. I was sharing goodness. Deleting would be terminating the good too. 

 

You have to go fourteen days without logging in to delete your account. FOURTEEN DAYS. I never could make it. I finally made up the longest weirdest password on the planet. I wrote it down. Changed my password. Deleted my account. Confirmed the password.  Tore up the paper in tiny bits. Took out the trash and waited. Yes, I know this wasn't a perfect fix. I still had to wait and I could recover my account anyway, but I could do it.

 

It has been two months. I keep getting the question, how is it not being on Facebook. I have to say the  first month was so hard. Really hard. I found myself trying to log into Facebook a half a dozen times a day. I felt like I was missing out. The world had some how left me behind. There were all these conversations I wasn't participating in and then there were group invites I was missing out on. Everyone communicates through Facebook and it is hard not to be on that vein.

 

Month two was a lot easier.

 

I have to say as of today I am so glad I finally broke from Facebook.

 

What are the benefits of being off of Facebook for me?

 

1. Diminished anxiousness. I don't know why Facebook made me anxious but it did. Maybe it was negative posts. Maybe it was politically geared posts. Maybe it was posts that went contrary to my value system. Maybe it was just being involved in so many peoples lives that I had no physical ability to support or help. Maybe it was all those things.

 

2.I am able to be still more. I have more quite time. I think because of that I can feel and hear the voice of the spirit guiding and directing me more.

 

3. Time. I have more time to explore other things I am interested in.

 

4. I am in control of what I want to learn and see and not the people on Facebook.

5. I am a better example to my daughters and sons, which to me is the most important thing on the list.

 

What are the negative side effects?

 

1. I miss feeling connected with so many people that I had lost contact with over the years. (I want to emphasis feeling and actually being connected with. I think in a lot of way it was an illusion. It doesn't mean I don't miss it.)

 

2. I miss being able to share goodness with so many people. Especially friends I had on Facebook that are not of my faith. (Maybe, that too was an illusion. In five years of sharing goodness, no one joined our church. In five years, no one even asked me to tell them more. I am not saying sharing goodness doesn't affect people. I know it does. It affected me when someone shared something uplifting. I needed something uplifting when I spent so much time in an environment that wasn't all that uplifting.)
 

3. I miss having an event, and wanting to invite everyone I know, and not having Facebook as the platform to do it. (Maybe I just wanted to feel like everyone was welcome. Maybe a general invite doesn't really make people feel invited and loved anyway.) I had a crib I wasn't using anymore and a washer and dryer. I wanted to give a shout out on Facebook to see if anyone could use them. I couldn't. (Maybe I just want people to know I am generous. Besides after a few prayers, I did find them nice homes, anyway.)

 

I guess one of the biggest disappointments I have is that I feel like giving up Facebook didn't give me more time. I don't know how it is possible, but it is. My house isn't anymore clean. DISAPPOINTING.

However, I think when you are a mother you can go to bed every night with every muscle in your body hurting from running all day and still feel like it wasn't enough, so I guess I probably do get more done it just feels like I am still behind.

 

Overall I am grateful I did it. I really am! I wouldn't go back to my zombie thumbing days. I have a platform to share goodness. I share it here. I have a platform to stay connected, its called Instagram and I am not addicted to it. (What is it about Facebook?) I have a platform for being informed, its called the news. I guess the only thing I am really missing out on is the memes. I don't miss them. 



SCHOOL STUFF

 Madison made the above list of all of our names I think it's adorable.

Sierra made the poster of herself below. I love it.

 

Sierra came home yesterday bawling because Madison got the student of the month award. Sierra has felt overlooked a lot for awards. She did receive an award in the third girl for something like P.E. and last year she got a an award for Math. She has never been recognized in front of the whole school. Apparently, this is a big deal. I told her I would make her daughter of the month. She said, sorry it just wasn't the same. She wouldn't stop crying. Sister Johnson showed up for her crochet lessons and she wouldn't come out of her room because she didn't want Sister Johnson to see her tear stained face. She finally came out. After her lesson she went to the computer and started a story titled, Jealousy. I guess at least she could recognize the emotion she was feeling.

 

Yes, she is taking crochet lessons. She says the rhythm of working a crochet hook brings peace to her soul. She feels like it is something she was meant to do. I couldn't argue. I begged a grandmother in the ward to come over and teach her. She loves it.

 

She also loves to write. She writes the best stories.

SUNRISE

 I decided if you can't beat them you have to join them.

When the sun burst over the horizon we went for a walk-jog.

The whole day has felt brighter.

It is amazing what a little sunshine and movement can do to your soul.

 Sunrise light is the most beautiful on the earth.

 I love this old graveyard.

 The moon was moving so rapidly that you could see it moving across the sky.

It was beautiful and amazing.

I love autumn and listening to the wind scurry leaves across my path.

 

My thoughts and prayers for the last few days have been for my sweet Aunt Ruth. She is in the hospital about to go into surgery. She has a lot of infection in her legs. She has had one partially amputated and they are thinking of partially amputating the other one and amputating the first higher up. However, we are praying for a miracle. I got to talk to her yesterday. She seems in good spirits. She has been such an angel in our lives. We feel so blessed to have her apart of our family and our lives. I am glad she is mine forever. My heart hurts for all she has been through, but she continues to be a beacon of light and strength. We love her so much. 

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME, NO SLEEP

 I guess the title tells you all you need to know about my day. I think babies and young children should be sent to earth with an off button. Motherhood is hard enough. It is impossible to function with sleepless nights. I have been grumpy and it has rubbed off. I just want to be grumpy without it affecting the mood of the whole house, just once. I think every selfish thing I do, I get punished for. I guess that is why motherhood is such a refining processes. You get to see your every mistake reflected back at you.

 

I love this book of shorts about Dinosaurs by Sandra Boyton.

 

One dinosaur is named Snort. It goes like this....

 

Snort a mean red dinosaur.

He (Insert She) always get's his (Insert her) way.

He (Insert she) told  me not to tell you more.

That's all I have to say.

 

That was me today, SNORT.

 

Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. I will wake up in a better mood. The people around me can only pray.

 

Even grumpy, the kid is good looking.

HAPPY SUNDAY

 

Yesterday Nate had me do a photo-shoot at the mall again. He gives away free CD's with the person's photographs on them, the only catch is they have to come to his office to pick them up. I took hundreds of pictures of children and parents in their costumes. I have to say theme's are the best, I loved seeing whole families dressed as one theme, my all time favorite was a sailor, fish, lobster, and a captain. I wish I could post my favorites, but I can't. There were some super cute people.

Out of the hundred plus people I photographed, there is one person whose image is permanently burned in my mind. I took a picture of a young lady and her daughter. She was too skinny, her skin was grey, and she wore stilettos and a barely-covering-her dress. Her baby was happy and beautiful and dressed in a cute, modest, Tangled costume. The mother was such a starch contrast to the baby she held in her arms. She looked weighed down by drugs and immorality. She looked like she was one overdose away from loosing her baby, a baby she appeared to love. I don't know why but she tugged at my mother-heart-strings. I just wanted to take her and give her a better life and show her a better way, not just for her sake but for the baby in her arms too. Life can be so beautiful and it can be so tragic.

I think that there is a hard cycle with young ladies and once they get wrapped up in that cycle it is hard to escape. The cycle begins and ends with VIRTUE. It is a big word and so important. When virtue is taken from you or you give it away without regard or reverence for it, ultimately it will lead to lose of self-worth. The lose of worth often leads to drugs. It is tragic.

I want to yell from the roof tops to all young people everywhere. I want to exclaim it so the hearer will hear, "Protect your virtue, do all that is humanly possible to protect it." Don't let the world tell you it doesn't matter. It matters, more than you can know. You won't be able to count it's price till you are my age or beyond. When you are young, it won't feel like you will ever be my age. I am nearly forty. (How did that happen?) I know this to be true, all that I am and all joy that I have in this life is due to choosing virtue. With that said, if virtue is lost the Atonement of Jesus Christ can bring it back. I know if that young lady would have the courage to believe my words. She could be made pure and begin again and find the same joy I posses. This was my testimony today. I know the voice of the world is loud but we as mother's must raise a stronger, louder, voice that virtue matters. It matters.

Mothers are powerful.

Another thought, on why virtue and motherhood is so important, has been running through my mind by Melvin J. Ballard.

"There is a passage in our Scriptures which we as Latter-Day Saints accept as divine: 'This is the glory of God-to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man' (Moses 1:39) Likewise we could say that his is the glory of men and women--to bring to pass the mortality of the sons and daughters of God, to give earth-life to the waiting children of our Father.... The greatest mission of women is to give life, earth-life, through honorable marriage, to the waiting spirits, our Father's spirit children who anxiously desire to come to dwell here in this mortal state.

Have a happy Sabbath.